Why offering two choices is a great strategy to handle conflict

In a large family, the sheer number of relationship combinations means that conflict is common. Personalities clash, expectations aren’t met, or the pressures of life can lead to frustration, disappointment, and arguments.

Plus, we’re all human! We’re inherently self seeking and self protective. Learning to handle our own emotions is a lifelong journey.

So how do we handle conflict in a large family without it taking too much time and energy?

A successful strategy for us has been to offer two choices. It’s a powerful tool that offers a win-win solution to quickly diffuse a conflict situation. 

Establishing conflict resolution strategies early on

Anyone who has parented for more than five minutes knows that this gig is not easy! We all need practical tips and a realistic approach to give us the skills to lead our families well. 

Children feel secure when they know what to expect and can predict the consequences of their actions most of the time. Establishing conflict resolution strategies early on in your parenting can reduce some of the power struggles.

Even back when we had our first daughter there was conflict between her and us as parents! As she learnt to push boundaries and express her wants more, we realised how important it was to establish clear and effective communication of our expectations. 

All families experience conflict, but how we approach it can differ wildly. Over the years we’ve realised that:

• Consistency and good communication are vital. 
• We want our children to be good problem solvers and to take responsibility for their decisions. 
• Helping our young children to develop social skills, emotional intelligence, and healthy relationships are vital components of child development. If they can learn to understand some of their intense emotions and the power of their own choices early in life, they can feel better equipped when faced with conflict and disagreements. 
• Decision-making skills grow with practice 🙂 children get better at thinking about possible solutions and making the best choice when they have opportunities for age-appropriate choices.

Of course we’ve made PLENTY of mistakes and continue to fail our kids daily (!) but knowing our family values and having some principles to follow has definitely helped to keep us on track as our little kids have grown into older kids and as our family has grown.

‘My way or the highway’

As a Type-A personality, my natural reaction when things get tough is to jump in and railroad the situation. Surely I’m not alone in that approach? 

On very rare occasions this is a good (and even necessary) response, but most of the time it is not the best approach.

Although it may provide a short term solution, it doesn’t give children the valuable problem-solving skills they’re going to need in life. The real goal isn’t a ‘quick fix’; it’s a long term journey of teaching our children to respect others, to think critically, to listen and learn from others and to understand the consequences of their actions. 

If we subscribe to the ‘my way or the highway’ option, we can also create an unhealthy power struggle, especially if our child is strong willed! The day will come when our sweet toddler or passionate teenager simply refuses to comply and we can find ourselves with negative behaviors and limited choices.

In our journey as a young mum and dad, we knew we wanted to offer our children different options so here’s more about how we manage conflict.  

It’s not rocket science and it is easy. But aren’t the simplest solutions often the ones we forget to use?

A win-win approach

The ultimate goal in all conflict resolution is a win-win result. 

If both parties can come away without feeling damaged, hurt, or annoyed then I think that’s a good indicator of success. 

Children thrive on empowerment. As parents, we can scaffold their learning and their experiences to include opportunities for growth and the building of confidence. 

Children also enjoy being given a choice. Our 20-month old daughter loves being offered options of food or books. She squeals with delight when a hidden toy is revealed from under the closed fist that she picked. 

The big problem with the ‘my way or the highway’ method is that we remove our child’s ability to own a decision. It isn’t a win-win approach.

We prevent them from choosing the right thing to do because they’re either stuck with their own way or they are ‘forced’ to relinquish control and come under the authority of our decision in the situation.

It’s very hard for our young children to practise emotional regulation or critical thinking if they’re feeling angry! 

This can also foster a feeling within the family of them and us. In reality, we want to encourage our family unit to operate as a cohesive whole. 

Now I definitely believe that parents have a God-given authority to lead and direct their children but in times of conflict it helps to remember that we are still all on the same team!

How we offer two choices in conflict scenarios

So to help our children feel empowered, to help them make good choices, and to give them ownership over their behaviour, we offer them two choices. The key is that you, as the parent, is happy with EITHER CHOICE. Instead of offering a suggestion which your child can legitimately decline (e.g. ‘Do you want to come to mummy?) or stating what your child *must* do (e.g. ‘Come here now!) we give the choice of two options. 

‘Would you like to come to mummy or daddy?’ OR ‘Would you like to come mummy now or once you’ve finished looking at your book?’

Let’s see this strategy in action with another simple example. 

Most children love the park. Playing on equipment, running from pillar to post and calling out to ‘look at me!’ every minute. But there comes a time when you need to leave and this is often where the trouble starts!

Option 1 in this scenario is to call out: ‘We’re going in 5 minutes!’ and then leave (with or without a settled child!)

Option 2 is to say: ‘We need to leave!’ and then go on to negotiate with your child who has other ideas. This can involve grumbling, bribery, or popping your tantruming toddler under one arm as you wrestle them back to the car. 

Option 3 is the strategy of offering two choices. We say to our children: ‘Do you want to come now or in five minutes?’

Now this could seem like a cop out. After all, shouldn’t we be the ones telling our children what they need to do? Doesn’t offering choices give them the (false) impression that they’re in charge? 

I would argue that it truly doesn’t!

The benefits of offering two choices

Offering two choices is fantastic:

• It’s a really easy strategy to remember – you just give two options that you’re happy for them to choose between! This can take a bit of practice – I’ve definitely had times when I’ve given an option I shouldn’t have given! 
• Your children are learning to make good choices and to experience the consequences of those choices.
• You get to stay calm – no more arguing or cajoling (often in public!)
• Your child doesn’t lose face.
• You’re happy with either choice.
• They own their decision more – once a child has said out loud what they’re going to do, you can call them out on it if they don’t follow through. Plus it’s definitely easier to do something we’ve publicly said we’ll do!

Offer choices at home when the stakes are low

A great hint when you’re starting to use the technique of offering choices is to do it when the stakes are LOW. This is easier if you’re beginning with younger children than it is with older children but it’s still possible!

Home is also where children have additional support and a safe place to learn important life skills without the extra pressures of being in public or around their peers. 

Giving lots of positive reinforcement and verbal affirmation is easier to do at home, too! 

Some low-stake examples of choices are:

• Asking whether they’d like to go to bed now or in five minutes.
• Asking if they’d like a snack now or in half an hour.
• Asking if they’d like help to carry the bag or the box out of the van.

As your children get used to making good choices they become more confident in recognising behaviour that is appropriate within your family. 

What if your child refuses to choose or argues with you?

Even the best strategies can fail! 

If our child ignores or refuses to choose one of the options offered, I simply remind them that they can choose or mummy or daddy will choose for them. (They still get a choice!)

In many situations, this reminder is enough to help them decide!

If a child argues with me, I calmly explain that mummy and daddy want to give them the chance to choose an option and if they don’t want to choose, they’ll just have to follow our choice.

The reality is that we all wrestle with selfishness and are born in bondage to sin. Our natural inclination in conflict is to stand our ground and defend ourselves. 

Our children are no different. However, frequent arguing, insolence, disobedience, or rebellion needs to be dealt with. Our attitudes and behaviour come from our hearts and conflict can be a great opportunity for healthy emotional development.

What about when a choice isn’t the best option?

Although we often give our children choices, it is really important that we couple this technique with a caveat. 

There are some situations when we need our children to just say ‘Yes, Mum’ or ‘Yes, Dad’, without a second option, and without arguing. This is based on a strong relational foundation with our children. Requiring obedience from them is ok! In fact, it’s essential if they’re in danger or if we need them to get on board with what we’re doing quickly and with a happy heart.

Practising obedience prepares them for real life, too. There are many times when we have to submit to a higher authority, be that socially, in the workplace, and in our relationship with God! 

Giving our children the skills to choose well and also to learn obedience is a great gift. 

Final thoughts

Offering two choices works well for young children. It’s also great for older children but as our bigger kids grow we aim to include them in the two choices. 

We can say ‘Do you think you need an earlier night tonight? What do you think is reasonable: 9pm or 9:30pm?’ 

They are still exercising ownership over their decisions but we’re able to influence and guide the process.

Modelling giving two choices has also meant our older children have the tools to resolve conflict with younger siblings. I’ve overheard them say: ‘Do you want a turn before or after your brother?’ 

It is a well known fact that true knowledge is demonstrated when we recall it. Even better is when we apply it to another situation. Watching our children manage conflict in a healthy way is awesome!

Do you use a similar strategy? I’d love you to share in a comment! 

If not, can I encourage you to give it a try?