Why offering two choices is a great strategy to handle conflict

Boy and girl up a tree with a rope ladder and the sun behind them

Anyone who has parented for more than five minutes knows that this gig is not easy!

In a large family, the sheer number of relationship combinations means that conflict is inevitable. Personalities clash, expectations aren’t met, or the pressures of life can lead to frustration, disappointment, and arguments.

Plus, we’re all human! We’re inherently self seeking and self protective.

So how do we handle conflict in a large family without it taking too much time and energy?

The early years of family life

Even back when we had our first daughter there was conflict between her and us as parents! As she learnt to push boundaries and express her wants more, we realised how important it was to establish clear communication of our expectations.

Children feel secure when they know what to expect and can predict the consequences of their actions most of the time.

Of course we’ve made PLENTY of mistakes and continue to fail our kids daily (!) but having some core goals to reach for and some guidelines to follow has definitely helped to get us back on track.

Father and son sitting on the bed playing guitar

‘My way or the highway’

As a Type-A personality, my natural reaction when things get tough is to jump in and railroad the situation.

On rare occasions this is a good (and even necessary) response, but most of the time it is not the best approach.

So if we aren’t subscribing to the ‘my way or the highway’ tactic, how should we handle conflict?

In our journey as a young mum and dad, we came across a great strategy that has helped in SO many conflicts. It’s not rocket science and it is easy. But aren’t the simplest solutions often the ones we forget to use?

A win-win approach

The ultimate goal in all conflict resolution is a win-win result.

If both parties can come away without feeling damaged, hurt or annoyed then I think that’s a good measure of success.

Children thrive on empowerment. If we as parents can scaffold their learning and their experiences to include opportunities for growth and building of confidence then we’re doing well!

Black and white photo in the bush with a child standing looking at a paddock

Children also love having a choice. The problem with the ‘my way or the highway’ method is that we remove their ability to own a decision. We stop them from choosing the right thing to do because they’re either stuck with their own way or they’re ‘forced’ to relinquish control and come under the authority of our decision in the situation.

This can also foster a feeling within the family of them and us. In reality, we want to encourage our family unit to operate as a cohesive whole. Now I definitely believe that parents have a God-given authority to lead and direct their children but in times of conflict it helps to remember that we are still all on the same team!

Why offering two choices is a good strategy

So to help our children feel empowered, to help them make good choices, and to give them ownership over their behaviour, we offer them two choices.

Let me explain how this works with a simple example. Most children love the park. Playing on equipment, running from pillar to post and calling out to ‘look at me!’ every minute. But there comes a time when you need to leave and this is often where the trouble starts!

Wooden playground with two people working on it

Option 1 in this scenario is to call out: ‘We’re going in 5 minutes!’ and then leave (with or without a settled child!)

Option 2 is to say: ‘We need to leave!’ and then go on to negotiate with your child who has other ideas. This can involve grumbling, bribery, or popping your tantruming toddler under one arm as you wrestle them back to the car.

Option 3 is the strategy of offering two choices. We say to our children: ‘Do you want to come now or in five minutes?’

Now this could seem like a cop out. After all, shouldn’t we be the ones telling our children what they need to do? Doesn’t offering choices give them the (false) impression that they’re in charge?

I would argue that it doesn’t!

The strengths of this strategy

Offering two choices is fantastic:

  • It’s a really easy strategy to remember – you just give two options that you’re happy for them to choose between!
  • They are learning to make good choices
  • You get to stay calm – no more arguing or cajoling (often in public!)
  • Your child doesn’t lose face
  • You’re happy with either choice
  • They own their decision more – once a child has said out loud what they’re going to do, you can call them out on it if they don’t follow through. Plus it’s easier to do something we’ve said we’ll do!

Offer choices when the stakes are low

A great hint when you’re starting to use the technique of offering choices is to do it when the stakes are LOW. This is easier if you’re beginning with younger children than it is with older children but it’s still possible!

Mother standing behind a little boy with his finger in his mouth, making biscuits

Some low key examples are:

  • asking whether they’d like to go to bed now or in five minutes
  • asking if they’d like a snack now or in half an hour
  • asking if they’d like help to carry the bag or the box out of the van

As your children get used to making good choices they become more confident in recognising behaviour that is appropriate within your family.

What about when a choice isn’t the best option?

Although we often give our children choices, it is really important that we couple this technique with a caveat.

There are some situations when we need our children to just say ‘Yes, Mum’ or ‘Yes, Dad’, without a second option, and without arguing. This comes from a strong relational foundation with our children. Requiring obedience from them is ok! In fact, it’s essential if they’re in danger or if we need them to get on board with what we’re doing quickly and with a happy heart.

Practising obedience prepares them for real life, too. There are many times when we have to submit to a higher authority, be that socially, in the workplace, and in our relationship with God!

Giving our children the skills to choose well and also to learn obedience is a great gift.

Final thoughts

Offering two choices works well for young children. It’s also applicable for older children but as our bigger kids grow we can include them in the two choices. We can say ‘Do you think you need an earlier night tonight? What do you think is reasonable: 9pm or 9:30pm?’ They are still exercising ownership over their decisions but we’re able to influence and guide the process.

Modelling giving two choices has also meant our older children have the tools to resolve conflict with younger siblings. I’ve overheard them say: ‘Do you want a turn before or after your brother?’

Do you use a similar strategy? I’d love you to share in a comment!

If not, can I encourage you to give it a try?

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2 Comments

  1. Great advice! I struggle with being a control freak and have some very similar children. This helps so much!

  2. I love this strategy! We’ve used it at times but I appreciate the reminder. Managing conflicts is definitely a continual work in process for all of us. 🙂

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